Mad Mission

What would you say to the 16 year old you?
I'd say; "Stop. Just pause and calm down."

I started wearing a bra when I was in 3rd grade, like a training bra but I was the only one. Horrible. I started surfing the crimson wave at 10. Embarrassed. I was 5'3 in 6th grade. Annoying. I kind of know when I started getting crazy but I'm not exactly sure. Big Confession: I have the worst self esteem, confidence, whatever. I don't have a lick of it. I can't really tell you one thing that I actually love about myself. It sucks. I try. I'll make something up or say something I once heard someone say they liked about me but me actually believing it...no. I always say I can make you believe anything, I've put on the greatest show for years. When I was suuuuuuuper skinny (and suuuuuuper sick) it wasn't enough, but that is the illness. I remember loosing a bunch of weight and a boyfriend said "you look soo skinny! but you should tone up, you have no definition." That's not horrible but guess what that did? I was so impressed with myself that I could see bones that when I heard that it was defeated and after all that work, it wasn't revered. Someone once told me I was "robust", well at the time I wasn't clear on the exact definition and after I looked it up down the spiral I went. Fit into this costume, you're wearing a mid drift, you will be doing lifts, you look better with straight hair, you look better with curly hair, your lips are so big, you are too tall, your hair is too light, your hair is too dark, you'd look more exotic with lighter eyes, too bad you aren't this size, it's a pool party, i have nothing for you to wear, your boobs are big, your legs are too muscular, I'm just not attracted to you, fatty fatty two by four, should you have another piece, your hair is frizzy, your arms are too hairy, you're too skinny. All things I've heard in my life. Did you know I despise eating in front of people? weird, huh? I don't like working out outside because I think people are talking shit about me and the way I look. That's not even just now, I've felt that way skinny minnie and fatty patty. I hate taking pictures, always have. But Lindsey! your job was always pictures and being in front of people. yup, greatest performance ever.
Now you know.
The difference now is I have three other lives that need me. I can't shut down. I have teach this old dog a new trick. Trick being living healthy and stable; being educated and positive. It's like starting all over again, like starting from scratch.

look in the mirror and tell yourself something great about you.
be well
xoL