You know when you watch Romeo and Juliet or Moulin Rouge you hope that this time Romeo will get the courier or Satine never gets sick? That's what happens every year, for the past nine, that I will wake up on this day and the ending will be different.
I can't tell you what I ate for breakfast yesterday but I can tell you what I was doing 10 years ago today. A feature of the human brain Im not too fond of. The days you wish never happened are always the most vivid. It seems fuzzy and dizzying at the moment and yet, the next time you think of that time it's as clear as a freshly cleaned window. I was at my boyfriends house, sitting in his garage drinking Jack and Cokes. There was a lingering smell of stale cigarettes and bong water. I was wearing jeans and a oversized quicksilver hoodie. My boyfriend's dad came to the door on the side of the garage and told me my dad was on the phone. It was pretty late so I knew it could only be one of two things something bad happened or I was in trouble. His voice was low as if he had been asleep, but spoke to me like I was a five year old. I couldn't process what he just said so I made him say it again. I repeated back as if I was leaning English for the first time. I had had a drink so he came to get me. We pulled up to my aunts house and my dad gave me some gum in case my breath smelled. When I opened the door everyone looked up with red, teary eyes. I made my rounds and gave hugs to everyone there. I remember a lot more, in detail even, but I don't like to. So here's what I'm going to remember:
My cousin, Tommy, was probably the nicest human on the planet. You see, my dad is significantly younger than his siblings so,we, my sister and I, are also significantly younger than our cousins. They never made me feel that way though. Tommy had one of those personalities that you always wanted around; a smile that would brighten anyone's day; gave the best hugs and always knew when you really needed it. Now, I was the oldest out of the "little cousins" so they all gave be a rough time at some point. " Lindsey sandwich", "Lindsey taco", "Lindsey burrito", I was always caught between Tommy and someone, usually his younger brother Michael. He would bribe me with a dollar to walk on his back or karate chop it and for every minute he would give me a dollar. He once told me I was the best dancer he knew and I would be a star. He lived in Colorado as an adult so his visits were random and sporadic but always the best part of the holiday or whatever brought him here.
I'm not a religious person but I do know my cousin, my grampa and my grandmama are all together with the rest of our family. I also know that they are always with me watching over my family and I.
10 years and I still cry. I still can't process what happened. I know that accidents happen; I know that the out come is unpredictable. I was in a terrible accident; bad, like, really bad. Why did I get to live? I saw the pictures of my car. I saw where they cut me out. I woke up in that car because someone was watching over me.
I love you cousin. No matter what Esper or my sister say, I know I'm your fav ;)
Massive hugs.
xoL
